Where to Turn For Relationship Help
So you’ve hit a rocky patch in your relationship? Check out the 3 common sense tips for managing arguments as well as 3 places to turn when you need help with your relationship issues. Read on for the pros and cons of each so it’s easy for you to make up your mind about what might work for you.
Every relationship needs help from time to time. If you’re having relationship problems, you definitely are not alone. In the US, it’s a commonly accepted statistic that half of all marriages end up in divorce.
Relationships can be a wonderful commitment made by two people, not just one, but because we’re all different, it’s inevitable that we’re bound to clash from time to time. It takes work by both partners to make a relationship work, and it’s easy to forget to put in the effort when we get caught up in our daily lives.
If there is a relationship problem with one partner, it means that there is a relationship problem with both partners. And ultimately relationships can only work if both partners are committed to the relationship and to making it work.
Sometimes the clashes couples have get worse over time and they find themselves needing some help or intervention to deal with the issues. Fortunately there’s an abundance of relationship help available to those who are determined to try and make their relationships work.
Relationship problems can arise at any time and many couples simply don’t have the communication and listening skills to tackle these problems on their own.
Before you launch into a tirade with your loved one, try adopting these argument management principles.
3 Common Sense Tips For Managing Arguments
If you’re going to argue, make sure you do it when you’re not tired or drunk. Steer away from late night bust ups, by morning everything may be much calmer and you’ll be better able to discuss issues as mature adults.
If one partner is feeling as though they are not being listened to, adopt the “your turn, my turn” rule. You both get an allotted amount of time where you have the freedom to say what you think without the other partner interrupting or shouting you down.
Keep things civilized – smile, say please and thank you, and above all else, stay away from personal attacks.
Interestingly, most couples find they fight over one of three issues: finances, adultery or child rearing. Of course, there are many other issues over which couples fight and that’s why, when it comes to seeking relationship help, there’s no one solution that works for every situation. And sometimes, more than one solution is necessary to completely resolve the relationship problems.
If you need help with your relationship problems, it’s important to know what type of relationship help is available. Read on as we provide our assessment.
Most therapists tell you that couples tend to leave counseling to the last minute and, by the time they arrive at counseling, one partner is beyond caring about the future of the relationship. So if you think you need help, don’t leave it as a last resort. Look for signs that the relationship is in trouble and, if you cannot fix the problems by talking together, get help sooner rather than later.
6 Signs Of Relationship Trouble
Of course there are many indicators that a relationship is in trouble. Here are my favorite six. If this is occurring in your relationship, it’s time to assess what’s happening and enlist some help if you need it.
1. You feel insecure in the relationship (you cling to your partner, you fly into jealousy rages, you worry that he or she is cheating the whole time)
2. Your relationship has many more unhappy moments than fun ones.
3. Your conversations always turn into heated arguing.
4. You both snap or lash out towards each other.
5. There is abuse of any kind.
6. You don’t have sex.
Relationship counselors, therapists or coaches
Communicating with one another about the issues that are causing problems is a great starting point, but effective communication takes patience, understanding and sometimes, it takes a neutral third party. When your relationship needs help and talking isn’t working, like many couples, you may wish to seek help from a reputable relationship counselor or a local minister.
Relationship counselors can help keep you and your partner focused on the issues causing the relationship problems. One thing counselors do best is help couples develop better “listening” skills. It’s amazing how many relationship problems result from one partner or the other not really hearing what the other has to say.
Relationship counselors and coaches are different. Generally speaking relationship coaches do not have to be qualified to coach – so if this is important to you, check out the credentials of the service provider before you engage them to advise you.
If the issue that is contributing to the relationship problems is personal, for example something in your past is keeping you from moving forward in a positive manner, then rather than both parties seeking the help of a relationship counselor, you – the one with the issues – might benefit from seeing a therapist. Resolving that particular issue might be all the relationship help the relationship needs.
If you have trouble convincing your partner to attend counseling with you, you can present it to them as you trying to fix your problems (so it has nothing to do with their problems), and tell them you’d find it helpful to get their perspective on the mistakes you make. This way it’s much less threatening.
Pros
- Trusted advisor that is bound by ethics not to tell everyone you know about your situation
- Trained in helping you to cope with your emotional distress through talking and learning strategies
Cons
- Can be expensive to use a therapist; check their hourly rates because you’ll probably need several sessions.
- Not available whenever you need them. You’ll need to schedule appointments and you will not be able to just pick up a phone and chat to them
Trusted confidantes
Sometimes, the best relationship help comes from a few trusted confidantes with whom you can share your concerns without fear of betrayal. Such a situation can sometimes create more problems than you had when you initially sought help so it’s important to carefully choose those with whom you intend to share your most personal relationship problems.
Parents and close friends might not be able to provide the unbiased assistance that’s needed right now. If you use them, and your relationship issues are resolved, it might make them uncomfortable with your partner. Alternatively, your partner might see them as “the other side” and feel resentment towards them.
The general rule of thumb is not to expect his or her family to take your side… they will always keep their first loyalty to their own.
Mutual friends have a tough time when relationships start to disintegrate and you should avoid turning to them for advice since it may lead them to feel torn in their loyalties to the other partner.
Pros
- Trusted advisor that is bound by friendship not to tell everyone else about your situation
- Available on call whenever you need them.
- Cheap – friends charge you nothing to borrow their ear
Cons
- Not trained in helping you to cope with your emotional distress through talking and learning strategies
- Your partner can become resentful of your friends.
- They can tell tales.
Finding relationship help online
No matter what type of relationship problems you are experiencing, you can most likely find some article or book or expert online that can offer you the advice you need to help get your relationship back on track.
A simple search will produce hundreds of potential sources of relationship help. But remember, it’s not all going to be useful. If you intend to utilize online resources to help with your relationship problems, be sure you’ve got enough time to weed out the valuable relationship help from that which might be useless.
Getting relationship help doesn’t guarantee your relationship won’t end in divorce. However, knowing you did what you could to solve your relationship problems likely will make you feel much better.
Pros
- Anonymous – no-one knows who you are when you have relationship woes
- You can get access to a wide variety of information immediately
- You can access information at any time, night or day
Cons
- There is so much information you need to be skilled enough to decipher the good from the bad
- Less personal – you’re not actually talking to another person
Final thoughts
Getting help when things start to flounder should be something people do quickly but instead they tend to put it off, hoping problems will go away on their own accord. This never happens. Problems must be dealt with and resolved so that they don’t fester and come back to haunt the couple.
The faster you deal with your issues, the faster you can move forward and forge a stronger relationship (if that is what you want to achieve).
There are signs when a relationship has reached the point where it needs help and sometimes that help includes an outsider helping through advice, counseling, coaching or just listening. Each type of assistance has its own pros and cons so you need to figure out what you think will work best for you and your particular circumstance.
Privacy and budget are often the two factors that play a big role in deciding which type of help you will seek out. Whatever you decide, though, make sure you haven’t reached the point where everyone’s given up on the relationship. Too often, couples arrive at counseling to find it’s too little and it’s too late.
Fiona Mackenzie is the author of How To Know: When To Separate, a practical eBook that deals with the relationship topic of how to know when it is over. How To Know: When To Separate includes tips, strategies and techniques used by the author to manage the end of her relationship and learn how to be happy once more.
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