How To Deal With Former In-Laws
(before they morph into outlaws)
Getting married is so much more than tying the knot with the one you love, you’re marrying his family too. So when it comes to divorce, expect the in-laws to have their own feelings about your situation. Here are some practical tips to maneuver around the challenges of maintaining happy relationships with the former in-laws (before they morph into the dreaded outlaws).
We’ve all heard the horror stories when it comes to in-laws.
There is the mother in law that rings you up to check her 25 year old son is wearing clean underwear to work each day. There is the intimidating father in law who is still not convinced your intentions are honorable (even though you’ve been married (and faithful) to his daughter for more than 15 years).
In-laws want your partner’s attention, time and priority treatment. They want to be able to say jump and for your partner to ask “how high”? And they may or may not be welcoming of some upstart like you who has usurped their position as the centre of their child’s attention.
Of course, at the same time there are in-laws that are decent folks; fantastic around your children, people who love you too, people you consider to be genuinely nice people who want to see you flourish and succeed in your relationship with their son or daughter.
For the mother in law with the weird fetish with underpants, the outcome of a separation or divorce might well be a big party with a “Finally I’m Free Of Her” banner strewn across the front of your house. You’ll just kick the dust off your shoes and move on with your life, happy in the knowledge that you’ll never have to clap eyes on the cretin again.
If you don’t like your in-laws and you have neither a need or desire to maintain relations with them, it is simply a matter of cutting your losses and walking away.
But what do you do if your in-laws are genuinely nice and you’d like to maintain a post-divorce relationship with them? How do you handle it? Or, what if there are children of your relationship, so your in-laws are grandparents potentially with their own rights to access so it’s not so easy to just turn on your heels and flee into the hills. What do you do then?
Blood is thicker than water.
Let’s start with the obvious. Blood is thicker than water, there it’s been said.
Despite your harmonious relationship with your in-laws, separation (or divorce) changes everything for everybody involved, especially extended family members who feel compelled to support their own even when they truly love you too.
Nine times out of ten, when it comes to the crunch, his family will support him even if they tell you that they don’t like or approve of something he might have done to cause the relationship breakdown. This is because they love him and have emotionally invested in him for a long time. He will always be their child.
They will hear about the reasons for the relationship breakdown from your partner – and of course it will be your partner’s version of events. Most likely, though, they will take him or her at their word as the account of what went wrong. But before you plunge in to set the record straight, take a deep breathe and finish reading this article.
Despite many myths to the contrary, your in-laws are just people. They have thoughts, feelings and fears just like you. They will probably be feeling very anxious about what the separation means to them, they will feel concerned for the welfare of both you and your former partner, and their level of worry increases significantly if children are involved and issues such as grandparent access emerge.
If you like your in-laws you may well want to continue to have pleasant relationships with them despite your relationship breakdown with their son or daughter. This is relatively straightforward to achieve –you just need to drop in for a chat from time to time and keep the conversation upbeat and positive, avoiding any negative discussion about their offspring.
You should be prepared, however, when their son or daughter does meet someone new that they become serious about, your former in-laws will most likely get to know them in the same way they got to know you, and chances are good that over time you all might just drift apart.
If though you need to sustain relations with your former in-laws after separation or divorce from their loved one, prepare yourself for the challenge of building a brand new relationship with them – a direct relationship of the type you might build with a work colleague or neighbor. You need to try to strip out the emotion and build upon what you already have without your former partner acting as the messenger or middle man.
And, even if you have a monster of a mother in law, when children are involved there will probably be ongoing interactions so you might as well make it as pleasant for yourself as possible. Try the following practical tips in your efforts to tame the mighty monster.
Eight Practical Tips To Tame The Monster
Tip Number 1
Don’t be deafened by silence and don’t be afraid to initiate the communication. Your former in-laws may not know whether they are allowed to call you, whether you would welcome their call or whether you would prefer your personal space unless you give them guidance. If possible the best way to open up the communication is face to face, one on one. Just pick up the phone, and ask whether you can drop by or invite them around to your home.
Tip Number 2
Accept that the situation will cause change – and change by its very nature can initially cause a bit of discomfort or awkwardness. You don’t need to apologize for this awkwardness or even attempt to justify it although there is nothing wrong with acknowledging what everybody already knows.
Mature people expect that it will take time to make adjustments to the new situation and they allow for time to take its natural healing course.
When you are fresh from separation and feeling hurt, fearful or frustrated, take a deep breathe and live one day at a time because it will get better. It just takes time.
Tip Number 3
Remember that they are his family first and your family second. While there are exceptions to this rule (where families turn against their own), they are exactly that – they are exceptions. Generally speaking, families will feel compelled to support each other in times of crisis. (If it was you walking a mile in their shoes, you’d probably behave the same way too.)
Show restraint. Do not recall in sordid detail the reasons for your relationship breakdown or recant endless hours of talk about what he did wrong. You can save all that for your girlfriends, a journal or a therapist.
Former in-laws simply do not need to know the gory details and dumping them on them may well backfire on you, adding to an already over-charged emotional situation and potentially motivating them to sprint off in support of their own.
The best way to deal with former in-laws is to tell them as little as possible when it comes to the reasons for the relationship breakdown. Hold your head high, be careful what you say and keep your dignity intact.
Here are the reasons why.
Firstly, whatever happened to cause the relationship breakdown is a private matter between yourself and your partner. You both entered your relationship as adults and, as my own mother is fond of saying, it takes two to tango. You both contributed to your relationship; the good, the bad and the ugly.
Secondly, you will make them feel uncomfortable around you and awkward about how to manage the situation. In the early days, they will still be processing their own thoughts and feelings about the separation or divorce, so trying to influence how they feel towards their own child simply adds to the pressure they are already feeling.
Thirdly, if the situation between you and your ex is acrimonious or looks set to be that way, you will provide his team with ammunition to use against you.
Tip Number 4
The more you continue to communicate and interact with each other in a friendly way, the more used to the situation you will all become and this will help you all to relax. Of course, the more relaxed you are with each other, the better the chances of establishing a harmonious relationship with your former in-laws – one that is a direct relationship in its own right and quite separate from their relationship with your ex.
Continue to invite them into your home, call them up for a quick chat once a week, be positive around them and keep the talk as upbeat as possible.
Above all else, avoid entering conversations about your ex. There is plenty of time to discuss the relationship down the track once the heat has gone out of the situation and people are feeling more emotionally balanced.
Tip Number 5
While emotions run high and pride might be wounded the likelihood of being over sensitive to members of “the other team” is substantially increased so just be aware of yourself and how you may be feeling.
Try not to jump to conclusions and instead assume from the outset that they mean well unless of course it becomes clearly obvious that they don’t.
Avoid saying anything that you might regret later – and dodge indulging in gossip about your in-laws since it has an embarrassing tendency to find its way back to the in-laws and cause resentment.
Your in-laws are just people too and if you can take a deep breathe and tell yourself that they mean well and are probably doing things for all the right reasons, it becomes much easier to accept them for what they are and forgive them for the moments when you feel like yelling at them.
Tip Number 6
If there are children involved, this is a primary motivation to ensure the communication lines are open between parent and grandparent. With children involved, you have even greater need to develop and maintain friendly relations.
While it is not appropriate to discuss the ins and outs of your relationship demise with your in-laws, it is usually appropriate to discuss what the relationship breakdown may mean to them.
Although in-laws may be credited with interfering and causing world war three within your relationship, they are pretty much absolved of any wrongdoing. Why? Simply because in-law problems are a problem between you and your partner, and the way to deal with them is to reach agreement as a couple and for your partner to address the issues and set the boundaries with his or her parents.
If this didn’t happen, it comes back down to your relationship.
If there will be no change to them regarding access to grandchildren, tell them so from the outset and they will feel grateful that you have taken the time to reassure them.
Tip Number 7
Treat your in-laws like you should treat your children. Be kind, be gentle, be tolerant and above all else pick your battles. Set boundaries in your mind as to what you will and won’t tolerate and set the ground rules (please be gentle).
Tip Number 8
Remember Tip Number 3 where I told you not to say anything? Well, I’m about to tell you the exception to the rule: You do not have to accept blatant lies or misrepresentations about yourself being said without responding to them.
If you hear that your former partner is saying things to your former in-laws that are not true about you, it is appropriate to tell them but how you tell them is what really matters. It might be a simple conversation that goes along the lines of “I have heard that XYZ has been said about me and that these things were said to you. I want to set the record straight. This is what happened.”
Talk facts, not emotions and do not engage in telling them what a so-and-so their son or daughter is, despite your temptation to do so.
Final Thoughts
When couples separate or divorce, everyone is affected and things change and in most instances, they will never be the same again. This is especially true when it comes to relationships individuals with extended family members such as their in-laws. This is not something to be afraid of; it is simply an adjustment in the way that you think given the circumstances.
If it is possible to maintain a harmonious relationship, you should try to pursue it. Don’t be afraid to initiate the communication with them. If your separation is fresh, talk about how it might affect them (or doesn’t) without getting drawn into conversation about their son or daughter or your relationship demise.
Your in-laws are your partner’s family first and most likely they will feel compelled to support their own in crisis. This does not make them bad people, just normal. You would probably behave the same way in the same circumstances.
Be careful what you say and to whom; hold your head high and keep your dignity intact. In the long run, even your in-laws will have to respect you for it.
If there are children involved, it is even more important to ensure that you do everything in your power to enable them to have a normal, healthy relationship with their grandparents.
You want your children to grow up into well adjusted adults. After all, once they do become adults, it might well be your turn to morph into an in-law.
Fiona Mackenzie is the author of How To Know: When To Separate, a practical eBook that deals with the relationship topic of how to know when it is over. How To Know: When To Separate includes tips, strategies and techniques used by the author to manage the end of her relationship and learn how to be happy once more.
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